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Fast food is the refuge of the fat and the ugly. It can reach speeds of up to 70km. Fast food is made mostly as a community service to rehabilitate troubled young individuals.
"She was my favorite idiot I've ever served"
- Mitchell Palmer, KFC employee
How to order fast food
1) Preparation.
There is no reason to decide what you would like to purchase until after you have reached the head of the queue. If you would like more time to ponder your order, any of the following phrases may be used up to six times per sentence, or indeed as a preface to a potential sentence: “Uhm”, “Um”, “Uh”, “Ehm” or “Er”. Demanding to be served prior to having actually made any decisions is recommended practice.
2) Placing your order.
If there is more than one party in your vehicle at the drive-through, you as the driver should exercise your right to defer the orders of your passengers until after you have made your own, then let them order for themselves. If a light breeze should happen to drown out your passenger’s voices, it is the attendant’s fault for having poor hearing. A complaint to his manager would not go astray. If you have children, let them make their own orders from the back seat of the car. Glare at the attendant while they do so. If you have little English, you may use a passenger as a representative, provided that they do not know English either. If you do know English but do not particularly wish to speak to the attendant, who looks grubby, you may allow your foreign friend/significant other to place the order. If you are pregnant, ask for the freshest and best of the chicken. Arrive at the window smoking a cigarette. Much like a bazaar or other market, haggling is encouraged. If something has run out, reassure the attendant that it’s ok, and request something of greater value for the same price. Humour may help to seal the deal. When asked the beverage of your choice, ask for a “zup” or “hill mist”. If the attendant does not laugh, the joke has probably gone over his head. Explain it to him thoroughly, and place a complaint with the manager for good measure.
3. Feedback.
If things are not completely satisfactory, the staff will be happy to hear your qualms. After paying, examine your change. If the coins are not sparkling clean, bring them back and request new ones. Keep the old ones as evidence. If an attendant is not pleasing to the eye, inform them at once, and speak to the manager about it afterwards.
When you have finished your meal, inform the staff that there was a pubic hair in it. If they ask how you knew what sort of hair it was, they are changing the subject which will only incriminate them further.
Please use this tutorial safely. Any comments hereafter have not been solicited in any way.
3 comments:
So exactly how many of your friends and family members have been murdered by fast food?
Ah, but in all seriousness, an amusing article to be sure. I can't say I've encountered the problems lurking beneath the exterior of steps 2 and 3, but I'll take your word on it that such is prominent.
Personally I rather enjoy McDonalds (If nothing else), but I can't imagine eating there more than every once in a while.
NO RONALD PLEASE I'LL BE A GOOD BOY
Also, upon a second reading of this passage (Relevant part in bold):
"When you have finished your meal, inform the staff that there was a pubic hair in it. If they ask how you knew what sort of hair it was, they are changing the subject which will only incriminate them further."
...Have you never glanced upon your nether regions?
My parents told me when I was a boy never to open my trousers, that there was nothing of interest therein. I never have.
But seriously, I thought it was pretty clear that the content above refers to actual past events. (Which didn't involve me, for the record)
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